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Free

I walked away from a 3 year relationship that was no longer serving me, and honestly it never really did. I can’t even say that I am sad about it because the lessons chile, the lessons. This relationship cause me to face my traumas head on that I didn’t know were there and ones that I had hidden deep within the surface that had to be addressed. I remember crying and praying nearly every day regarding my relationship questioning “why me?!’ but I was also at a place of not really knowing my worth and my value. Although I was basically praying for a way out, every little thing was making me stay because, trauma & unhealed wounds. I dealt with constant put downs because of my past, I had to adhere to crazy restrictions and limitations and if I didn’t comply, that meant I didn’t know how to love or appreciate a man OR no one else would ever want me. Absurd! I may not have been perfect but what I do know is that what I was in was NOT love.

My parents had me out of wedlock and my biological father was absent most of my life. We didn’t meet again until I was 22. My step father and I never had a good relationship and I was often verbally, mentally and physically abused. Never felt an ounce of fatherly warmth and love from him. The only father figure I knew and claimed was my granddaddy but at the end of the day, he was my grandfather not someone who could be a present figure in my day to day life. This of course sent me looking for love in all the wrong places because all I wanted was to be loved, wanted and accepted. Having lack of guidance when it came to life, money and relationships I would go on to learn life the hard way after leaving my parent’s house at the age of 19.

I was overly shy so not every guy got my time and attention but the ones who did would have me later regretting my decisions and questioning my worth, beliefs and values. On top of that I’m sure I reeked of insecurities being that I was skinny and dark skinned and never felt good enough from family, friends and relationships. I dealt with everything from more mental, physical and verbal abuse, incarceration for domestic violence, cheating, homelessness, overdraft fees and no money trying to hold a man down and extreme narcissistic abuse. I gave my all every relationship until I was depleted in every which way. And after this last relationship I decided enough was enough. Memes and post remind me that I am what I attract, that people would only do what I allowed them to do, that after many failed relationships the common denominator was me. Initially, reading those types of things had me in my feelings lol I was thinking well maybe if I was prettier, wealthier, smarter, etc. that I would attract the type of relationship I craved but when I did my shadow work and things were revealed to me spiritually I realized I WAS the problem. Shocker!! lol. I allowed life’s hurt to be the compass in my life and ended up in the arms of other wounded men. Men that came from broken backgrounds themselves and wouldn’t know the first thing of loving a woman properly. Men who felt entitled and had huge yet fragile egos. I was the problem because instead of healing I coped by being with the next person to fill voids they weren’t equipped to fill. It took my last relationship to step back and say “why do I see the repeat in every relationship?” and it all came back to me. Seeing and feeling less than was like blood in the water with a shark a mile off for an attack for the men I brought to the yard. Some men made me feel like they were the best thing that ever happened to me and they weren’t. Far from it!

I had to start telling myself that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I had to remind myself that no one can fill my voids or mend my heart like Jesus. I reminded myself that I am unique and rare. I remembered my gifts, talents, morals and standards. I read and re-read what love was according to my Word in 1 Corinthians. I had to tell the girl within that if you dont love yourself girl, nobody will. But it wasn’t for the next person… this pull and this desire to want to do better. It wasn’t going to be for show and tell so I could get the next “fine” man who might fail me and miss the mark. The stepping the way, the looking within was for me! It was for me to realize for myself that I deserve better and that I am capable of being better. I don’t need validation from anyone but God. I don’t need permission to be me, to live my life and to accomplish my dreams. I am enough and I’ve been enough. Even in the ugliness of healing I still found beauty about myself and all I need is to give myself is TLC, cultivate what I have and thrive. It’s been in me all along. The love that I craved from others could’ve been coming from me all along, I owed it to myself I just didn’t know then that it was what I needed from the jump. I promise, half the bozos I fooled with wouldn’t have gotten the time of day if I had the sense then.

But here I am. Ready and excited to walk in my journey of freedom and self love. Here I am reporting for duty to show up and show out for myself each and everyday. Here I am no longer accepting less than or dimming my light that has been given to me from my heavenly Father. Here I am being myself authentically and filling myself up with love so I never confuse the above traits as real love and in turn pouring out love. The woman within me is LIT and she deserves all that life offers. If they don’t add, they’re subtracting and they can kindly subtract themselves out of my life. You’re not welcomed here anymore.

I’m free and I love me some me.

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